Diary of a Dominatrix

I pose the question to my housemate as I wander into my kitchen naked. She’s also lounging about in a similar form of undress, trying to beat the summer heat.

“Of course,” she laughs. “Why, haven’t you?”

Conversations about sex, dick, and sexual health are not uncommon in a house of multiple sexually liberated women, especially because we all work in the sex work industry, sharing between us many years of experience.

I’m from England, but living in Berlin, a city that can sometimes be a lonely, wild and hedonistic. Yet, it’s the place where I was able to finally cast off my inhibitions, put my foot through the door, and enter the sex industry. Behind the red velvet curtain, I discovered a world characterized by body, costume, and makeup adoration, the sickly sweet scent of a conglomerate of perfumes, and more femme on femme compliments than a nightclub toilet on a Saturday night.

Berlin is one of the best places to begin sex work, and maybe that’s why I only began once moving here. The city boasts sex clubs and sex parties, champions individuality, and has a strong history of Freikörperkultur (Free Body Culture). Berlin’s attitude towards sex, in my experience, is so dissimilar to the body-shaming attitudes I encountered in England. A city where sexual liberation is seen as a celebration and not a crime, Berlin gave me the chance to embrace what has proven to be, for me, a very positive life choice.

Sex workers are amazing individuals. Though it’s not possible to speak for everyone as each of us have our own preferences, work styles, boundaries, and limits, what brings us together is the desire to be accepted without judgement, to be able to work safely, and the knowledge that we have the power and freedom to decide what we do with our own bodies. To achieve this, we need to recognize how these goals tie in with the viewpoint of many mainstream feminists and how we to tackle the public’s oppressive perception of sex workers alongside the fight for gender equality, which is intrinsically linked to the fights of those in the LGBTQ and POC communities.

Although I have male colleagues and a few friends who have also dabbled in sex work, be it porn or full service, the sex work industry is dominated by women. For me, this was daunting and exciting – a rare chance to work in an industry where my being a woman is an advantage over my male counterparts. I was fortunate enough to discover security, immense support, and encouragement from other sex workers, without the feeling like I was competing in some way.

Many people who well do well in sex work are those who take the advantages given to them and work hard at what they do. Working in a strip club environment was something that terrified me, and in a way, still does. One thing that keeps me going back, besides a love of dancing, is the ability to learn from a group of women who are all incredibly supportive. We teach each other pole tricks, talk each other up to customers, and throw a whole lot of compliments – and even some cheeky flirting – back and forth.

When I moved to Berlin, I was struggling with new city blues, lacking the support network I had come to rely on back in London. At first, deciding to work in such a niche industry made me worried about further isolation, but after a few months, I found myself an active participant of a genuine and kind family. Like all families, we connect in all sorts of ways: online via Facebook, Twitter, or private messaging apps, and in person at monthly meetups. Some of us even live together, providing one another with community and support every day. Through friends working in the industry, I have discovered private online groups which offer support and advice from other workers: blacklists for violent or misogynistic clients, queries about screenings techniques, advice for where to work, who to work for, how to advertise, health-based questions, including those about sex worker-friendly clinics, therapists, accountant recommendations, and tax information.

Once a month, a group of sex workers meets in Berlin to socialize and network. It gives us a chance to share stories, give tips, and to vent or laugh about something that happened. This is another support network for those who don’t have friends who can understand and fully empathize with their routines and day to day issues or successes. Not everyone is lucky enough to be able to access these networks. Language and lack of internet are two such examples as why someone might be out of the loop. Others chose not to engage in these circles for their own reasons, fair enough, but it’s not hard to see how much easier access to all of this shared knowledge can make someone’s life. For a group that faces severe stigma from the world, these communities are vital for some workers who have no one else they can talk to about their experiences without fear of judgement.

My personal experience has been a privileged one, something I recognize and am grateful for. Being a white, cis woman has resulted in me facing little backlash for my choice to pursue this career, yet in the same city, trans workers are physically attacked on the streets where they work. We need a unifying solidarity between workers and allies that refuse to accept violence against women, inclusive of any sex worker, past or present. The simple fact that no one should be exposed to violence or judgement due to their choice of career is a given, regardless of how much social stigma there is surrounding it.

This year, the United States passed controversial laws that have directly and negatively impacted sex workers, not just in the states, but as far as Australia and unfortunately, also in Berlin. One way this is demonstrated is through the closure of Backpage, a popular advertising sites used by sex workers internationally. Restrictions like this expose sex workers to a higher risk of danger, as they are left without the ability to fully screen clients or access certain networks they relied on before.

Berlin has recently seen its own regulation, the Prostitute Protection Act (ProstSchG) passed at the beginning of this year. It requires workers to register with their information and ID to receive the Hurenpass, which is colloquially known as the ‘Whore’s Pass.’ There have been little practical effects of this legislation, but registration can prevent workers from being able to access to sex work. Notably, the cards are only required for full service workers – dominas and erotic masseuses, while porn performers and exotic dancers are exempt. There is a lot to be said about the line drawn here because it mirrors some of the divide in the sex worker community, a ‘whorearchy’ in which certain workers will judge, shame, or belittle others. A small number of full service workers, doms, and masseuses sometimes dismiss performers as not truly involved in sex work, and some performers see themselves as separate, even elevated, as they don’t offer full service to clients. The regulation legitimizes and increase divisions in a community, which could use more solidarity and allies.

It’s amazing to see the power that lies in a community of self-organized women and workers helping one another to live their lives and pursue whatever career they choose. The women I meet, who offer their time, empathy, or even their studio to work from, all serve as incredible role models. It is easier to be a strong, independent woman when you have others to pave the way. I want to be in on this for the foreseeable future, and I want to welcome and do the same for the others who will come after me.

Oh, and if you were curious, the Emmanuel is how the Kama Sutra refers to what we would call facesitting.

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LLB, the author of this piece, is an English multidisciplinary sex worker, with a background in teaching performing arts. She is currently focusing on her freelance venture as a dominatrix, whilst hustling two part-time roles where she showcases her skills as an erotic masseuse and works on her pole form as a stripper.

Original photography by Nicol Mouton for YEOJA Mag. For more articles about the beauty + health articles, click here. For Berlin-based resources aiding sex workers, visit BesD and Hydra.